Stages

When I got divorced, I went through stages.

The first: I hate men, I'm never dating again

The second: Ok, they aren't terrible.

The third: I'm in this to find my person. The string that connected them all, was that I knew I deserved a "happy ever after". I knew that I desired love, even when it didn't look like it was going to happen, or happen the way I wanted.

I remember the first date I went on after the divorce. I cried 2x. At the time, I couldn't understand why. It's only in retrospect that I know it was 2 fold: he showed me how much I hadn't faced within myself AND he made me question things I had never thought to before. Through this, I began the journey into curating the vision of what I ACTUALLY desired for my life.

In the 2nd phase, I knew I needed to stay single, but my ego had a hard time of letting go. This part of me was still looking for validation of my worth from men. But I was still coming off of the "men suck and hurt me" vibe, so in order to protect myself, I became very anxious-avoidant attached. I let them close enough but too close and I zapped them away. When I took a step back, I realized that men weren't actually the problem...MY ATTITUDE towards them was. So I got my emotional shovel out and began to dig deeper. I began to look at every interaction as a lesson.

I was triggered. A LOT. Like A LOT A LOT.

Every trigger represented a different lesson, or sometimes the same one, but one step closer to the root. And every trigger came with a "barrier".

Full disclosure this felt so emotionally unsafe. But my coach told me, "keep going." So I did.

I had to learn it was safe to open the flood gates, to feel ALL OF IT. I had to learn that I could trust myself to hold all of the emotion.

I began to celebrate my triggers, instead of seeing them as something to fear. And then I met Blake. 14 months after my seperation. And our relationship has been the easiest and hardest one yet.

Easy because we don't fight. We are truly a team and our communication is . Easy because we are both doing the work, and don't make eachother responsible for our emotions. It's easy because we work toward a common goal, and know our relationship is a priority.

Hard because it literally shows me on a silver platter my deepest fears. Out relationship is such a powerful mirror of where I am out of alignment with myself, and where I tend to slip back into my defense mechanisms. Hard because I have to swallow my pride and own my side of the street (and for this stubborn Sag this can be excruciating).

When we met, I put him on probation...but really this was all for me.

I desired to let our relationship develop naturally and not through the lens of "needing" someone to fill the void.

I desired to have a relationship that fit the standard I carefully created for my life.

I desired a ☆sacred relationship☆.

And by putting "him" <me> on probation, I allowed just that to unfold.

Within 4 months, we knew we loved eachother, because we focused on learning eachother Within 5 months we were living together Within 11 months we were engaged Within 14 months we purchased our first home together At the 24 month mark, we will be married.

We literally collapsed time, by slowing down and letting the universal laws to flow.

We manifest alot together this way, and will continue to do so I have no doubt. I calibrated to a version of myself that I held 3 years ago, with no proof that it was actually possible for me. NOT because of luck, but because of pure intention and focused energy where it mattered: in my soul.

Calibrate is HERE!

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