Keep Going!

“There’s a future version of me who’s proud I was strong enough.”

I have been doing a lot of connection work lately while working through my trauma bond videos, which I intend to reformat into a masterclass. I have been told I was in trauma bonded relationships, but up until quite recently I didn’t understand to the degree that I do now. And I am still learning.

I was taken on a time travel expedition, back to a time of my life where I was navigating my way through a lot of confusion. I never really dated, I think my longest relationship in high school was 2 weeks. I didn’t understand how to behave in the context of a relationship – I was clingy and overbearing. I over compensated for my lack of confidence in myself. I loved the idea of love, but I didn’t know how to love.

My parents marriage was never a representation of pure love. I don’t remember them hugging or kissing. They had nothing but love for me, but rarely showed that same affection to each other. I don’t judge them for this, because now I completely understand. Seeing them happy is the most important thing to me. I never felt unloved, but I never understood what love looked like in the context of romance.

I met a man in college, who I became “desperately in love with”. We started off pretty rocky, due to the nature of how we met. The relationship quickly showed how toxic, and abusive it was. I lost the remainder of the connection I had to myself, and began to adopt the traits of his personality. I was reactive, emotional and was in pure victim mode. I did whatever I could to survive. There are days I look back on, and am so proud of myself for having the resilience to carry on. I left this relationship 5 times in 2 years. Toward the end, I became addicted to drugs and drama. I lied about the bruises. I deluded myself into believing that he actually cared, even though I found out he cheated on me with 13 different women, some of who I heard this straight from there lips. But he was by far the hardest drug I had to quit. I was taken from this relationship, kicking and screaming. I couldn’t see my life without him. I didn’t know how I would carry on.

The following months I spent living at home, silently detoxing from the drugs. I replaced them with alcohol. I was destructive. I worked my body at the gym for hours at a time, to release the anger. I was so upset with myself I drank every night. I barely ate. I stopped taking care of my physical health. My mental health also suffered. I didn’t know how to properly process my emotions, so I shoved them down. I made poor choices. To be honest, I am not sure how my mom put up with me. I was miserable. I am so grateful that she never gave up on me.

I am so proud that I didn’t give up on myself. There were times it would have been easy too. There was no proof that anything would change and that things would get better. The lessons I have learned through this relationship have been so instrumental in my growth.

I met a beautiful soul, a visionary, while purchasing my new computer. He said “I don’t want to set you up for today, but for tomorrow and the future.” I believe he was sent to me, to deliver this message to me. Because every single blessing that is coming to my life is because I have looked for the lessons in an impossible-at-the-time situation.

You can have this too. I feel called to tell you KEEP GOING! No matter what, just keep going. No matter how dark it may be KEEP GOING. If I can recover from a string of toxic, trauma-bond relationships you can too. If I can work to heal my wounds, you can too. If I can manifest my soulmate and experience upgrades at every turn, you can too! Just keep moving forward. You don’t need to make big moves, but the compound effect of your small moves will make a BIG IMPACT!!!