Your Costing Yourself....

And you probably don't even know it.

Let me know if you can relate.

You have a feeling that something is happening in your life and it doesn't give you the warm fuzzies.

But then....something stops you. In your tracks. And it's a fear of something.

• Fear of being unloved.

• Fear of being unseen.

• Fear of being abandoned (this was a big one for me).

• Fear of being judged and criticized.

This is where we do ourselves the biggest disservice. Because it is from this space that we choose to shut down. We choose to back into a corner. We CHOOSE to put our feelings on the back-burner, in attempt to keep ourself safe from the potential of disappointment.

"If I speak up and say how I feel, they won't like it and they will leave me and I will be alone forever and will die with 20 cats."

Our brain is magnificent in so many ways, but will actually have us believing that this cock-a-mee story is true.

Here is what I desire for you to know:

NOTHING BAD WILL EVER HAPPEN FROM YOU SPEAKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS

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SO LONG AS YOU ARE COMMUNICATING IN A KIND, EFFECTIVE MANNER.

Let's break this down.

I am experiencing some kind of challenge in my life. One where my inner dialogue is "If I speak up and say how I feel, they won't like it and they will leave me and I will be alone forever and will die with 20 cats."

The root fear is that I am afraid I will be abandoned.

I have 3 choices:

1. Silence my voice and my feelings, causing me to be resentful of the other person.

2. Blame the other person for why I feel this way "If they just did _________, I would feel better."

3. Speak up for myself, knowing that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I will be OK.

The first option leads to a break in trust with myself, and the sleeping volcano within me begins to bubble. Eventually I will have had enough, and my volcano will erupt, taking out EVERYTHING in it's path. Eventually I will have burned so many bridges and the theme of "no trust" will be evident everywhere in my life. I probably will have up so many walls, it is impossible to have meaningful relationships because I am too afraid to let anyone see the real me because "they will just leave." Everyone walks all over me, and I feel like a doormat.

The second, sends me straight into victim hood, and being the martyr of my story. It places the responsibility on others to behave a certain way so that I can be ok. It lends itself to placing unrealistic expectations on others, instead of taking responsibility for my actions and my feelings. I will probably have so many "rules", and am "impossible to please". My relationships would suffer (if I even have any at all). I would make someone else responsible for my happiness, to avoid needing to look at my part in the scenario. And I could probably find 100 ways to justify it, but at what cost? Everyone is the reason "Why" and I become an electric fence.

The third, honestly, is scary as fck. However, it is actually the healthiest way - IF I am using effective communication, and am leading from a space of loving kindness. This does not mean I am a door mat, or an electric fence, but it means that I KNOW that by not, I am robbing myself of so much beauty.

The beauty of my relationships, the quality of my life, the essence of ME.

Why?

Because I am afraid that I will be left.

But what is happening is I am placing the need to be loved, seen, heard from others, above the need to be loved, seen and heard from MYSELF.

I am not saying to throw all your relationships out with the bath water, I think we need a balance of both. What I am saying is that your relationship with yourself NEEDS to be the MOST IMPORTANT ONE. And by over-giving, under-speaking, and everything in between, you are doing the biggest disservice to yourself.

By pretending your feelings don't matter, or by making everyone else responsible for them, you are not leading as your authentic self. And no matter what you do from these spaces, you will never be happy.

So how do we CHANGE this narrative? There are many moving parts, and it will be different for every one, and every different situation; however some common threads I have found are:

• A boundary may need to be set

• Learning how to communicate feelings in a kind, loving way

• Taking radical self-ownership and responsibility

• Loving yourself enough to know that if you lead with love, it will all be ok.

The standard we set for our lives, is a contract we write with ourselves. We sign it, we date it, and we can amend it when necessary. Just because you have operated one way, doesn't mean that is the way it is going to be forever.

We have to be willing to put our need for INNER PEACE, above everything else in our life. Even when it means having an uncomfortable conversation, setting a boundary or amending a clause in our contract. We have to be willing to grow, and to own our choices and behaviours.

Join me on February 22/23 for the 2nd installment of my Masterclass: Halo. We will be diving into

• Standards and Boundaries

• Limiting Beliefs

• Shadow Work

Join here !

Sending you love and light,