The Roller Coaster

The cycle. The merry-go-round. The Rollercoaster. Whatever you want to call it, they all signify the same thing within the container of a toxic relationship. I feel like I got a Ph.D in this, and I'll explain why. This post is not about making my ex's wrong, we all play our parts and I own mine. I have learned many valuable lessons from these men. It starts off the same. Every dang time. The honey moon begins. We are so in love, we are in this to the end. We can't picture our lives without the other. Sound familiar? Then comes the "drop" as I used to call it. When all of sudden, nothing is good enough. Every move and breath irritates the fuck out of them. They stonewall, silent treatment, lash out, say mean things or even go so far to hurt you or demonstrate physical violence. I have had fans smashed "instead of [my] face." I've had holes punched in walls and fridges dented for the same. And you know what I did? Walked on egg shells. Changed MY behaviour so not to anger him. Made myself so small in hopes that he wouldn't see me, and therefore not get mad. Then the other foot would drop. Like a ton of bricks.. there would be an explosion, a major fight. He would threaten to leave. To end the relationship. I would grovel. I would cry. Beg for forgiveness. Break myself down. And when I was completely broken, he would forgive me. This cycle would repeat every 4-5 months. Like fucking clock work. I begin to wear our "hard love" as a badge of honour. It was only when he asked me for a divorce that my eyes began to open. But I was still scared to be without him. The definition of a trauma bond. We reconciled. But the clouds began to lift and after 5 months, I finally gained the strength to end it. To see it clearly. I still have things I am working on when it comes to love. Up until a few months ago,my brain was still convinced I wasn't safe. My hearts desire is to help women achieve freedom from this cycle. When I see women trapped in this cycle, I feel so much love for them. I feel their terror. But my savior complex can no longer exist. I can't help those who aren't willing to seek it. I can't help others who are addicted to the drama. And I can no longer offer free advice in situations. My energy is to precious for that. If you see this and are in this situation, know that I am always here for you. I offer more support in my private group Grit and Grace, or 1-1 private support, should you need it. You are allowed to walk away from anything that makes you feel less than amazing! *picture of me and my amazing soulmate