What saying 'Yes' really cost me.

Brie Streker
Nov 21, 2021
5 min read

November has become easily my biggest growth month, year after year.

On November 12, 2016 I experienced a day, a moment, that literally changed the trajectory of my life. Here is my story. This is the journal entry I wrote, while reflecting back on this day. This is the deepest I have allowed myself to go, the most I have allowed myself to remember. And I now want to share it with you. Because I know in my heart, that I am not alone. And I want you to know, it is never too late. It is never a bad idea to listen to your intuition. And if you need support, I am here, I see you, and I love you.

"Today marks a very important day for me. On November 12, 2016, I was awakened by my best friend on the morning of my wedding. I remember not wanting to get out of bed. I barely remember the events of the morning, although I do remember going to the venue to set up....kind of, it's fuzzy. Like I don't get the channel on good reception. I remember being happy to spend time with my friends and parents, but completely sadness floods because there was no *real* excitement for getting married.

I remember when it came time to put on my dress - the gorgeous custom made dress that I loved. And that is when the tears started. I didn't recognize it then, but I was scared. Saying "I don't know why I am crying. I should be happy." I am not sure if my bestie asked me, but I remember "Are you sure you want to do this?"

And I said Yes. I said yes, when I should have said No. I said yes, and in a moment I robbed myself of happiness. I said yes from my wounds. From thinking his love was the kind I deserved. That his love was what I deserved.

It is painful to go back to this day, but I need to. I need to heal my heart. *Breathe*.

I remember pulling up in the limo and getting a picture at the (congratulations) sign. Alone. It said "Brie and Joe", but it was only me- an eerie foreshadowing of how I would feel in my marriage.

As the limo pulled up, the intensity in my chest grew 10 sizes and then turned to stone. I had made my choice, but I felt bitter, resentful even.

I don't remember walking in, but found myself at the doors. The music was playing. My family and friends were waiting for me. My dad met me and I started to fall apart. He told me not to cry, and I walked down that aisle on the verge of falling apart.

I remember the smell of booze hitting me like a freight train. I barely remember the ceremony. I remember leaning my head on his shoulder, and him telling me to "get off". I remember feeling utterly rejected and dismissed by the man I had just married.

I remember feeling rushed through pictures. And then everything fell apart.

I remember noticing his dad and step mom had left. I remember him disappearing for all of dinner. I remember feeling alone, rejected, cast away. I remember feeling so embarrassed.

I allowed myself to dance, to drink. To have fun with my friends. To feign some semblance of "happy". While inside, I felt dead. Hollow. Dark.

I remember "the limo's here", and taking a long time to say my good-byes in an effort to pro-long being with him. I remember the goose chase to his step-sisters, to see if his dad was still there.

I remember getting to the hotel, and him greeting a hockey team. I remember them looking at him and laughing, and looking at me, standing by myself in a white dress. And they were full of pity.

I remember getting to the room, that smelt like an ashtray. I remember peeling off that dress, while I cried in the bathroom. I remember taking my hair out, and pulling myself together to ask him to help. I remember his disgust at my asking him.

I remember his being on the phone with his mom, talking about his dad leaving. I remember totally understanding why he was upset. I remember getting into my pyjamas. I remember opening the beautiful cards we received. I remember tallying the gifts and dreaming of the honey moon we would one day take. I remember him getting mad at me for doing it without him.

I remember taking a benadryl because I was itchy (hello there stress hives.) and then going to bed. Alone.

I remember waking up the next morning and going home. I remember calling his dad from the side of the road. My wedding was ruined and they were the ones we chose to blame. But it wasn't them. It was us.

We were broken, and how we made it that far still amazes me. I remember him telling me days later, the events that transpired the night before/morning of. How he was still drunk when we said "I do".

I wish I had said "I don't". I wish I had chosen to blow up my life.

But I would be writing a totally different story. And the lessons I learned wouldn't have existed.

Saying yes cost me so much, but has ultimately lead me here. Sitting under a cozy blanket, in a home that I own with my soulmate, gazing at my beautiful backyard. Truly grateful for all of my struggles, all the pain.

Saying yes lead me to heartbreak. But it also lead me to strength. To courage. And finding my true love for myself.

And that is something I will cherish every November 12th."

I tell you this story, because we literally have the chance to re-direct our life at every turn. Every decision we are faced with, every side we choose to be on, provides us with a beautiful opportunity to grow, to change. But we first must have the courage to try something new. To do something we have never done. To walk with the fear instead of run from it.

I'll leave you with the quote from "Better than we found it, by Maren Morris"

"When time turns this moment to dust

I just hope that I'm proud of the woman I was

When lines of tomorrow are drawn

Can I live with the side that I chose to be on?"

And I would like to add, "Will this lead me to an outcome where I feel HAPPY.? Truly happy."

You don't need to fake happiness anymore. Take permission to put yourself first, because what is the true cost of your YES?